Do values and beliefs trump feelings and compatibilty

You meet someone and you two click immediately. Sparks are flying, the stars align and all is well with the world, but as you progress through your relationship, you realize that you two have different beliefs and values – shocker.

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He wants to settle down, live together and get married sooner rather than later.

You want to settle down, but you value your alone time and you have little to no desire to get married.

Is this a deal breaker for you or do you feel this is something that you two can work through?

Relationships are based on a lot of compromise, communication and understanding. You’re not going to agree on everything, you never will and why would you. You don’t want to spend your life with a yes-man who agrees and goes along with everything you say and / or do. I’m sure you don’t want that yes-man to be YOU either. You were raised differently. You are two entirely different people. You have different beliefs. You have different values. You were educated differently. You are two perfectly imperfect, unique individuals. That was part of the attraction in the first place, right?

Core Values and compromise.

Throughout our lives through various outlets such as our parents, societal norms, Disney movies, etc. we are told that relationships have a certain order and rhythm and should be followed through in the same manner as it always has since, like forever.

  • Meet a life partner and settle down
  • Move in together and get married, it used to be the other way around, but clearly times have changed.
  • And somewhere along the line whether planned or otherwise, create life and start making babies!

My question to you is, why do so many people feel THIS is the way of life? Can each individual relationship be so much alike that they all fit nicely into this little cookie cutter dynamic? Who created this plan for us anyways? As a societal norm, why does it HAVE to be this way?

More importantly: Why is it that when someone chooses to create their own path and deviate from the original steps set out above or do things differently, they are criticized and questioned?

Two people that love each other unconditionally manage to find a way to make things work that deviates from the original plan and in return they are scrutinized and guilted. Their values are questioned. They are talked about in a negative manner and some are even ostracized and cast out of the family circle.

Life is meant to be lived by YOUR standards and yours alone. Living your life based on someone else’s ideas of how you should be, is a disservice to yourself and your purpose.

  • Life is not complete until I find a life partner, settle down and get married.
  • Life is not complete until I have kids.
  • Life is not complete, or I am a failure if I don’t follow the societal norm through this, very standard, progression of life.

Can you see how these expectations can cause severe harm to your mental health and ability to be happy in your life?

What if this is NOT what you want. What if this cycle does NOT feel right to you?

You spend your whole life trying to fit into this box that clearly wasn’t made for you only to get frustrated, annoyed and disappointed because you are incapable of living up to THEIR standards.

You are frustrated because you’ve been told that you should be a certain way, but you’re not. You are not living up to THEIR expectations. You don’t fit into THEIR box. You’re not doing what THEY expected you would do.

You tried, but you “failed.”

You failed because your heart was not in it. You failed because you were not doing the things for YOU. You failed because you’ve spent most of your life trying to appease someone other than yourself and you have pushed your own personal wants and needs aside.

You “failed” because you weren’t being authentic and true to yourself.

You’ve spent most of your life feeling like you’re disappointing your family, parents, partner, boss because you can’t do the things they planned for you. You can’t do what they want you to do nor do you want to. It’s not you. It doesn’t feel right. Something just feels… off.

Imagine what your life would be like if you took all that energy you put into doing things you don’t want to do and started putting it all towards something that set your soul on fire. Imagine the freedom and space that could be found in following your own dreams and letting everyone else’s go. Imagine blazing your own trail and creating the life that YOU desire.

(I talk about the importance of saying “no” in my article HERE. Saying no to the things you don’t want in life, frees up space to create magic doing the things you do want.)

Marriage is a big debate for me.

I’ve flip flopped back and forth on this one for years. When I was a young girl I always wanted to get married. I wanted to wear the pretty dress and have a day that revolved around me and the celebration of love with my future husband. I think most girls dream of their wedding. I’m pretty sure we can thank Disney for putting those fake ideas into our head. Prince Charming? Ha! If only they portrayed the reality of relationships as opposed to the unattainable bullshit they spew in those movies. We are brainwashed with these fake love stories from the time we are born. We then spend our whole lives searching for the fairy tale romance type love only to realize that it’s all a load of shit. Fairy tale love doesn’t exist. There is deep connected love, but there is no perfect relationship. Relationships are hard and they take work. You don’t just show up one day and have everything fall nicely into place and live happily ever after. Sorry to burst your bubble, but hey… I’m a realist.

What if you don’t want to get married – GASP!!! What!?

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We are told that finding a life partner and getting married signifies success in your relationship. You’ve made it! Now let’s get the government involved, spend a shit ton of money that we don’t have or have any business spending, invite people we don’t even speak to or care to spend time with to our party and publicly proclaim our relationship status to the masses. Yay!

Why though!?

Success in a relationship is two people doing whatever it takes to make things work. If whatever it takes does not include cohabitating or signing a wedding certificate, so be it. How they choose to live out their love life is entirely their choice as a couple, nobody else’s. So long as you are not sleeping in their bed with them and sharing these daily conversations and daily struggles, your opinion on how they choose to live their life is mute.

A successful relationship is just two imperfect people trying to blend their lives together. If their blending doesn’t look like the traditional and conventional relationship or if their relationship doesn’t look like YOURS or how YOU envisioned it, that’s YOUR problem, not theirs.

How two people choose to structure their relationship to make their life work cohesively together is absolutely 100% none of your business. As long as they are happy, they love each other and treat each other with adoration and respect, what does anything else matter.

I’d love to hear your opinion on this. Have you experienced scrutiny or judgement over how you chose to live out your partnership?

Shee
xo