Do you remember that interview Oprah did with Tom Cruise where he was just so excited and full of love and emotion that he had to scream and yell and jump on the couch to express himself?
I get that now.
What started out as deep-rooted fear in the pit in my stomach, shaky hands and a stutter in my voice slowly shifted and morphed through the day into an overwhelmingly exhilarating flood of emotions.
Freedom. Relief. Peace.
I stood up for myself that day. I stood up for myself against someone I had been absolutely terrified of standing up to. I put my foot down with someone who had spent the last many, many years with me under their thumb. Today I finally said, enough is enough.
I started my day unsure about my decisions and going over each and every single scenario in my head. In my typical anxiety drenched fashion, I analysed, inspected and I went over it all in my head, imagining every possible variation of how it could unfold. From the good, amicable, bad and the downright ugly. I watched it all play out in front of me in awe like a child watching a movie on the big screen for the very first time.
Who else is guilty of this?
I sat in the office, hands shaking, voice trembling, holding back the tears and I asked, “before I do this, is it ‘normal’ to be absolutely terrified right now? Because I’m really fucking scared.”
Him: “Yes. It is. Completely normal. You are fine and you are doing great. This needs to happen, you’ve allowed it to go on long enough… Are you going to cry?”
Me: “Nope. I’m an expert compartmentalizer and I’ve got this shit handled.”
Him: “You’re going to wait until you get into your car, aren’t you?”
Me: “Abso-fucking-lutely. Let’s do this.”
And then it was done.
I started this process almost a year ago, but it was never taken seriously. I was being “over dramatic and emotional.” Typical for a man of his nature to assume it was my “emotions” leading the fight and causing all the ‘problems.’ It was typical of him to think that it had nothing to do with what was actually right – not just from my perspective, but from a legal standpoint. It was pushed aside and was never made a priority, despite my repeated efforts to move things along. In all honesty, I was afraid to follow through with more force or vigour. I was afraid to rock the boat. I’ve always been afraid to rock the boat, especially with him. Heaven forbid I offset the balance in someone else’s life by standing up for myself.
This has come many years too late, but I can tell you that I have learned a whole lot in the process. A whole lot that I would have not learned otherwise.
What happens when you stand your ground and follow through with what is right.
It’s like taking a deep breath of fresh air for the first time in your life. It’s like you’re finally able to pull that breath all the way down to the root of your belly, filling every inch of your lungs, expanding your diaphragm entirely, belly in full extension. Followed by the greatest release of an exhale you can imagine. You can literally feel all the bullshit gush out of your body.
Inhale the good shit. Exhale the bullshit.
As soon as I walked out of that office, my heart BURST open. Like the flood gates of light were released and a giant ray of sparkly, rainbow fucking sunshine started BEAMING out of the centre of my chest. I felt freer than I ever had in my entire life. My mood quickly shifted from darkness and fear to love and pure white light. What has felt like a burden and a million-pound weight on my shoulders for the last few years has been lifted. Albeit, it may be a temporary lift and as well as the calm before the storm, but man… I hadn’t felt this level of relief in a very, very long time.
Released into the abyss where I hope to never find again.
I made a decision, I took action and I followed through. It may have taken me a few years to get to this point, but I did it. and did it ever feel good. I had no idea it would feel this good. I had no idea my avoidance was causing such emotional turmoil within my body. For someone who is very self-aware and knows full well what stress and toxic relationships can do to your body… this is disturbing.
If you are ever interested in learning HOW stress can manifest itself into actual physical ailments, disease and discomfort, I suggest you take a look at Louise Hay, You Can Heal Your Life. This book has been a huge eye-opener for me and has given me many memorable ah-ha moments. You can purchase the audio book, but I highly recommend the actual book so you can mark it up and through your sticky notes in there.
This was a BIG decision for me. Initially, I wasn’t happy about it. I resisted this so hard. I wish it could have been done differently, but I had no other options.
Making this decision and freeing this space, which had manifested itself into various ailments in and throughout my body, has freed up more energetic space than I ever thought possible.
This has been weighing HEAVY on my heart and soul for a number of years, far more than I’d like to admit. I’ve let it slide hoping things would correct themselves. I’ve allowing people to take advantage of my kindness, all the while knowing full well that it would never go away and never correct itself and this person would continue to take whatever they could for as long as I would allow it. I always knew I had to take action. I always knew it had to be me. I just never wanted to do it.
Why did it take me so long to get to this point?
Aside from the fact that I just really, really didn’t want to do it… I mean, really… who actually enjoys voluntary confrontation? Not me!
I didn’t realise the extent of damage this particular exchange of energy was having on me. I didn’t see it until it was too late and the damage had already been done. Others saw it. They told me, repeatedly, but I was in denial that it was happening.
I refused to admit that there was a problem. I was blind to the situation. I was naïve and I stupidly believed that they wouldn’t “do that to me.”
I didn’t want to hurt them despite the fact that they were deliberately hurting and de-valuing me for their own personal gain, whether they understood what they were doing or not. Chances are they knew exactly what they were doing. *sigh* I still give them far more character credit than they deserve.
Let me just say this, if you think that others will treat you the same as you treat them, you are sorely mistaken. Trust that most people do not have the same heart or empathetic nature as you.
I always look for the best in people. I always search for the best in them, even if they are not able to see it themselves. I see their potential, I try to guide them towards the better version of themselves. I’m a natural coach, healer and nurturer, it’s a blessing and a curse all that the same time.
The moral of the story is…
You teach people how to treat you.
Set the standards high and don’t let anyone take advantage of you and your kindness. Stand up for yourself, what you believe in and do what you feel is right in your heart.
Big, scary decisions that have big, scary, but GLORIOUS outcome takes a whole lot of love, support and the lady balls the match.
People are assholes and they do asshole things to hurt good people. Don’t let them bring you down. Stay strong and do what is right.
Keep smiling <3